


A dead man's wish..

by TheShyWriter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU?, Dean is not himself, F/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, mention of eatings disorders, mention of suicide thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-11-07 02:58:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17952377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheShyWriter/pseuds/TheShyWriter
Summary: No one would ever think of Dean as a weak man. For all of them out there, he was a hero. Even for her, his love.A man with a great purpose in his life who could achieve anything he wanted. Why he couldn't see it tho? Why his mind was so far away from all these things which used to make him happy?





	1. Chapter 1

It was past midnight, the bunker full closed by now, after the latest events, a peaceful time in these dark times. Dean hadn’t been himself the last days, trying not to succumb into the abyss on his mind, never stop hearing Michael even if he wanted it to so badly.

She didn’t want to worry him, not when he had so much going on inside his mind with Sam on the verge of depression and his favorite – despite him, never admit it to anyone – anymore Jack.

Jack was an addition in this off family no one would ever imagine when they first start being a part of this supernatural world. A kid – if someone could see beyond his physic and appearance – a small child with no father and mother near him, unable to understand who he was or - if – Winchesters loved him. As a kid, there were moments she could hear him sifting around on his bed, headphones in his ears, listening to music, lost into another world. At a place, he was feeling secure.

And which would be that?

A place which had his mother inside. As a small boy, he wanted so much to have a mother, talk to her about his life, his achievements like that beautiful sunny day Dean took him for a road trip as everyone knew by that moment little life was inside him.

He was petrified. Full of questions, working of his death, of how this event would tear apart Sam and Dean, even his beloved Cas, more like an uncle to him rather the angel he was at this point.

 

 

A small yawn came out from her mouth, fingers traveling inside a plastic bag of junk food, such an unhealthy choice but always a companion to her. Rose couldn’t speak to anyone – well it wasn’t a theme of “could” but rather of “have” – as she had none except from Dean and Sam.  No real friends or family were around her the past years. Some left by choice, others due to her … her fear of being killed by a monster like the ones Dean used to haunt for years.

The rain outside made her feel chill … or it was the message she had found on her phone days ago? Hazel eyes wandered around the big place, scary and even bigger than it was these hours of nights. Oh, how she hated to be alone? 

Abstract she grabbed the chocolate from the table and quickly put a big piece on her mouth, a way to silence the dark voices in her head. Every time she had to fell into this trap, every single time, depressed and afraid, an ongoing battle on her soul and body. Tormented as every being in this place.

Dean woke up in the middle of a crazy dream, pressing either side of his head with his digits.His face was on fire seeing Michael in every dream, hearing him scream inside his head, saying nasty words, trying to manipulate him into letting him out.

 _Son of a bitch,_ he thought, a sick emotion on his stomach, remembering how possible would be for Michael to take the control of him once and for all, killing every person he loved before he could inhabit his body and penetrate his damaged soul until not even a small fragment of him would be inside Michael.

Pushing aside the very thought his hand traveled next to him, where she was sleeping, Rose. The pillow was empty as her place next to him, the spot cold, probably not even sleeping after him as she had assured him.

Third time in a row… it was the third time he was alone in their room without her hugging him, her body next to him, giving him the security he – of so much – wanted.

“Why now?” he hissed under his breath, already looking at the clock upon the desk. It was late at night and probably the three men were already sleeping. Not only there but possible all around the world. Everyone but Rose. The rhythmic sound of the clock was the only sound in the room as Dean was wondering if he should get up and go check on her or leave her alone to deal with her problems. Problems he couldn’t face right now when he was also in a bad state.

Nevertheless, he was the problem. Dean’s mouth became harder, lips creating a straight line of what seemed to be anger but also repentance; this woman was meant for him no matter what. Even the thought of losing her was like a punch in his gut. How could he live without her voice, singing around the house every day for hours, cleaning, caring for him but also Sam and Jack with whom had a great relationship at last.

For that, she was an angel… but as an angel had her demons.

Demons whose Dean wasn’t sure if he could fight right now, absolutely not with Michael lurking inside his head, feeling what he was feeling , knowing every detail or situation of his life as a camera watching him every moment of the day nonstop.

 

That night no one slept well and it had nothing to do with the food or the drinks they had.

Dean wasn’t in place to face his girl in that state of mind, so scared of saying something potentially harmful for their relationship.

Jack, the sweet boy who had fallen hard for Rose, now was thinking of her as his mother, secure under her touch, happy to hear stories of when she was younger and on trips with her family. His heart was in peace. If could have two or three fathers then why not have a second mother especially when his biological mother was dead?

Three rooms at the end of the big hallway were Sam’s bedroom. That of the quiet giant as Rose used to call him some times, laughing hard under his puzzled gaze. She was her best friend, always the first call on her phone when she was in danger as Sam was more eager to keep secrets and help him in a logical way and not with his fists. Now she was able to hear behind the closed door the friction of the bed's springs under the weight of Sam as he turned around from himself unable to sleep.

Like the others, Sam was a man with great empathy able to recognize emotions but naïve to all the things which lurking around the half dark building. 

That’s why no one saw it happen.

All of them used to carry for years a great burden inside their hearts , ongoing traumas which wasn’t resolved that at some point for them, life and death had become … meaningless.

They couldn’t have friends - either they would be dead by now or close to death – or more important had decided to live a life without partners. No woman could fit in the bunker, leaving with the very idea of death and the fear of what would happen in Sam or Dean would injure themselves. How they could pressure anyone to stay with them when there was no real possibility of future for them, with kids and happy trips?

The future was black.

No light was in the darkness apart from small talks and gestures which helped to ease the pain.  And –boy – it was a different kind of pain. One you couldn’t escape from, similar to a hand gripping you from the inside until your stomach was in the floor and your body cold and lifeless in the brown carpet.  Besides that, there was the voice of your inner self whispering words of despair and evil.

The heavy rain outside replaced by a strong wind which blows everything making the bunker safer for her. It was normal for her to walk around that late of night .

Jack was sleeping finally as Rose saw at her second time walking around. The headphones were still next to him, placed beside him on the pillow, a soft voice or music still echoing around the small room.

Rose walked down, the lack of sleep evident in her brown eyes, her body wanting so bad to rest. A bad feeling appeared again living her breathless outside Dean’s room. She knew something bad was to come and she prayed for whatever it was to find them ready. The lights around her flickered for seconds leaving her perplexed as she tried to open the door without wake up Dean.

Her face lightened at first seeing his face under the light of the thunders outside but soon replaced from another emotion. If someone asked her what that emotion was she had no word to describe it but it was associated with Dean’s features, a mix of pain and panic. Her stomach clenched watching his stern going up and down in with every breath.

Million thoughts crossed her mind of how much Dean could hold back the archangel Michael as to her family. Yes, the last part wasn’t so important in the big scene although Rose trying for days a chance to ask from Dean a small favor, a chance for them to be a couple – even for an evening – under her family’s gaze whom now starting to believe if her boyfriend was fictional and not a real man in love with their girl.  Slowly she rolled under the heavy blanket, him still asleep next to her.

“ _How can you be so awful, Rose? He has to fight for his life and family… everything else than meets your family after years of relationship.”_ a small voice whispered in her troubled mind, causing her nausea. It was true, Dean wasn’t himself last week. Other times he would do anything possible for her but last days there was something new in his gaze like disgust when she was dreaming about their future life.

Dean’s body moved to her side, touching her stomach with his hand, mouth slightly open. Rose wasn’t ready to face him so he turned her face to the wall. The man next to her hugged her more without speaking. His grip was stronger than seconds ago as if he was able to hear her inner voice.

Little did she know as Dean was - in fact - awake all this time. Listening to every step of her around the bunker, knowing well not to ask what was wrong with her. The moment he opened his gorgeous eyes she closed her. Dean chuckled on this game before he kissed her tender in the lips. He wanted to share his fear with her, the anxiety which building inside him day to day but decide to stay quiet. His plan was safer in his mind.

 

Dean was a hero.

A man of his word.

One of the kind, a bit reckless – yeah – at moments but never someone to run away from problems. Sure, he could hide for hours on his room drinking loads of beer, listening to rock and watching thrillers occasionally but then there would come times he proceeded to share some thoughts of him or confess his love.

Dean wanted someone to cry on his shoulders, a big hug to hide from the voices in his head, a big smile to assure him that everything would be okay. He, the man who despised hugs and big confessions now could find himself wanting all these.

 

 

 

_How she didn’t realize it?_

_Why she ignored the signs?_

_Where was her mind when he had said “I love you baby girl, please take care of yourself ” as a form of goodbye?_

_Why didn’t speak that day? Finally giving him an answer to his question two years ago?_

_Why? Why? Why?_

 


	2. Chapter 2

_ 4 years ago _

 

_She took a big zip of her porcelain cup of coffee still smelling his scent on her. It was everywhere after the magnificent night they had spent together, kissing lightly – oh so lightly – his lips smooth and slightly warm, creating a trail from her pink lips to the shuddered from passion shoulders._

_Of course, Dean Winchester knew how to pleasure a woman and gladly many women through the years would testify happily for that. His eyes, a set of green orbs were looking at her and the way she was trying to hide her exposed tummy. Rose wasn’t a skinny girl with golden locks of hairs and blue eyes similar to the ocean’s color as the media used to present women._

_Dean touched – oh so carefully – her hand feeling already the panic inside her mind. In a period of four years, he had never seen her fully naked._

_“You are beautiful, darling.” A small whisper came from his lips and traveled all the way to her ear, confusing her._

_How a man like him, wanted her? A woman so ugly! Her heart twitched in the thought of Sam’s words back at the start of her relationship with his big brother._

_Upon a green salad – classic Sam as he was – and her hamburger with a big coca cola next to it, Sam told her in a “caring “way. “ It’s the first time I meat a Dean’s girlfriend.”  Something in that sentence had made her feel uncomfortable at least despite his “nice” smile._

_Both of them were alone, somewhere outside Idaho, inside of an all-day café –bar waiting for him by doing small talk._

_“I like Dean.” She had confessed back then to Sam, her eyes looking either the man in front of her or her food upon the plate. Her stomach was empty making a million sounds as she had hours to eat anything. A fact Sam didn’t miss sadly._

_“You know, Dean always had a thing about different kind of girls.” Sam confessed in a slight smile. It was so obvious he wanted to hurt her but she chose to act as normal she could. “Like?” she questioned back. Sam’s eyes grew bigger looking around the place for an example. After what seemed like an eternity he told Rose to look at the other side of the bar._

_Her eyes follow his finger and soon she saw it. “Fancier like her.” The younger brother told her. The woman they both looking was much younger than her, probably under her twenties with bright gold hair and green eyes. Her body was fit as she saw with a disturbing feeling crawling inside her. The young woman was wearing a tight red skirt with an open blouse leaving her sexy body for anyone around her to see. Rose felt ill in her appearance knowing very well of how easy would be for her boyfriend to find a hot girl like her in seconds, even with his smile._

_Would Dean leave her for someone like her?_

_Was he like any other man she had met?_

_Fuck up and stupid enough to break her heart?_

_Fuck!!!!_

_The girl didn’t take her eyes from the other woman staying mostly silent. She was on the verge of breaking in tears feeling humiliated by Sam’s words. Although it was true. Her look had nothing beautiful upon it. She wasn’t funny or clever or sexy...instead was a lonely girl always reading a book in some corner and not caring for any kind of interaction with other people._

_She wasn’t special._

_Not so long after, the three of them were back in the Impala heading back to their place. Dean knew as soon as he walked to the crowded place that something bad had happened between his brother and baby girl but acted as everything was alright. If it wasn’t for Sam’s innocent – almost cheerful – face then he could see clearly how much Rose trying not to cry, curled in the backseat with the headphones in her ears._

_Her eyes wondered to the amazing scenery of land outside the window, looking everything as the car speed up on the road as a small child who only now starts to examine life, curious about everything and observing every house, street, face, every color or scent already in a survival mode of what is good or wrong, familiar or strange, good or evil._

_As a kid, she looked the brand new houses alongside the dirty ones from another era covered with graffiti and dust, spider webs and even trees which have found their ways to penetrate the spoil wood and become one with the house and its story … stories of another time, a remnant of whoever used to live there._

_Dean’s voice came out like a distant ringing to her ears, so lost as she was in her music but also thoughts until she saw his worrying eyes through the mirror._

_“Are you okay back there?” he asked before continue “I saw you didn’t eat your food. That’s not like you, honey.” His lips turned down in a sad way making her feel terrible for having him thinking about her before heard the small laugh from Sam’s direction._

_It was awkward. Not the very fact of how asshole Sam was but her inability to scream at the youngest man of how his words were burning her inside. Fuck this bullshits, she thought to herself having enough from his arrogant behavior._

_“It is nothing, Dean. Just a stomach ache .” her tone was different as she moved her whole body, now sitting casually, one foot upon another, hands crossed under her chest. It was time to protect her fragile self from these comments and even more this stupid man. “As for you Sam, you have nothing to worry about. I will be out of your way until the end of the day.” She declared with determination before she put the headphones back in her ears relieved after eons of just hearing nasty comments about the fat, ugly girl she was. A soft proud smile appeared on her pink lips as she closed her eyes._

_Dean’s hands gripped the steel with such force unable to comprehend what she had said a minute ago._

_“What happened?”_

_Sam pretends to not hearing what his big brother asked. There was no way to explain his actions to Dean or anyone else.  “I … I didn’t do anything.” Said in a low voice, lifting his shoulders up defensively._

_“Cut these nonsenses. Rose was happy seven hours ago when I let her with you in that café.” His voice filled with anger.  “What did you say to her, Sam?!”_

_Again his brother didn’t say anything just turned his gaze to the big phone probably reading some article on the internet. Rose was aware of Dean’s anger despite knowing it wasn’t her fault. Sam was the one blame. For months she had tried to live with him peacefully, talk with him, asked him questions for things unknown to her knowledge of how much Sam wanted someone to hear him … she was always there for him when he had any problem waiting patiently for a kind word._

_All these time Sam was pretending to be okay with her when Dean was there but when they were alone his whole attitude would change into a cruel one. Many times she had caught him looking her while she was cleaning or cooking with dark eyes, every time him mentioning of how cleaner the bunker was before her existence or how calmer Dean was only with a beer, some movies and lot of hunting._

_“You shouldn’t upset her.” The older brother said in a lower voice, his eyes looking only the road now hesitant for the next words. His brother had no idea about Rose’s “condition” – despite him being an empathetic person much closer to someone’s problem than him over the course of their lives - and he knew it._

_Sam’s eyes searched for his brother’s eyes in an attempt to understand the meaning of this conversation. What that girl had that he had no idea about? “What’s happening with Rose?” the words escaped his mouth in a pitched voice feeling somewhat uneasy from his previous words in the café but tried to shook the feeling away._

_All the adrenaline she had moments ago disappeared under the sound of her name. Suddenly the space in the car felt thinner, cold, and almost claustrophobic. Her brown eyes closed in regret of being there with them. She should stay at the bunker with Jack, teaching him poetry and seeing funny movies with him. Or…. Or she could be away, far away from these people despite her feelings for them._

_“There is no need to talk further, Dean.” Rose shushed him from the back seat, sweat dripping from her forehead to the end of her neck. Her boyfriend cut her as always trying to make her understand of the things she supposedly had no idea about. “He is my brother. He should know.” He stated in a serious tone which hurt her more._

_She knew how close the two brothers had been the last years and she was proud and happy for them. Two brothers against the whole world. Two leaving legends as other hunters used to call them in their secret circles._

_Rose knew it. She could see it in their eyes, the agony behind one’s word, the pain behind their secrets… secrets based on their deepest nightmares that no brother wanted to talk about even if they had a promise to never hold anything back._

_“Sam is your brother. You can talk to him as you want about your problems but not mine. Am I clear?” she questioned him angrily. “ Why have to act like this ?” his tone was dismissive as if he hadn’t seen her lying in the bathroom months ago, as he had no memory of her crying like a memory in his strong arms that night after her failure._

_“How am I acting?” her stomach clenched not recognizing the man in front of her._

_“Like a bitch…” Dean shouted from the top of his lungs, instantly regretting it. Sam who was only listening to their conversation felt terrible hearing his brother talking to her like that. It was so new to his ears … so different from the things himself used to accuse her. Dean… Dean should protect her as he was doing with him._

_The road was long but no one cared as it was speeding through the dark sky by the sounds of Dean’s favorite song “Stairway to Hell.”_

_That night Rose couldn’t care less for unpacking her bug from the “trip” or wait for them to carry whatever they wanted from the car inside the bunker. She was still furious with the older brother even if he attempted to talk at her at some point as the car stopped slowly at the rainy full of puddles road. Heavy drops of rain slowed them down the last hour as they were tired and obviously awkward from the turn of the events._

_There was no point of hearing Dean’s words in a matter he had no idea talking about. For any woman – heck, even man – he was the perfect man, beautiful, strong, a man to carry you through the hardship of life not ever thinking to abandon you. He was like a rock for other hunters but also a magnet for the women around the world who so easily falling on his charming words as well as captivating eyes._

_Back to her room, she ran to the bathroom turning the faucet until warm water splashed her slightly shaking hands. She was tired of all these. Pretending every day and night about the person she couldn’t be._

_Ever!_

_Little did he know although that Dean was caring for her._

_More than his life._

_Layer after layer, a pile of clothes created a “knoll” on the cold floor while she rested her body into the warm bathtub. Before she could realize it the tensed muscles on her body started to relax under the welcoming water and a small yawn echoed in the place._

 

_Somewhere else around the bunker, Sam had carefully put back into their places some of the books he had carry and now was heading on the kitchen, his mind still wrapped around Rose.  He knew very well the effect his words had had on her but even then couldn’t stop himself from being an asshole._

_If it wasn’t for this fear... a fear which had rooted in his heart years ago when Dean had died for one more time. His hand moved by its own on his forehand feeling ill in the thought._

_To his surprise he found Dean ready to devour the last apple pie from the fridge, his mouth ready to explore the taste._

_“Ugh…” Dean let out a small groan knowing he couldn’t enjoy his pie from the look on his brother’s face. “What did you say to her?”_

_“I …. I just…” Sam wanted to explain his ill words towards Rose, the pain he was feeling inside him every time he looked at them hugging in the sofa or kissing upon the stove, their eyes glittering from happiness and what seemed like genuine love._

_His brother was calm next to her and how couldn’t? Rose had everything under the control most of the time, taking care even of Jack who was in need for a “mother” figure which she gave him selflessly.  “It’s not that I did something to her… it was just...” as much he tried biting over and over his lips no word came out. He couldn’t tell Dean his fear. It would be silly._

_They both stared at each other for minutes whilst Dean ate his pie. “If you have nothing else to say, I will go to my room.” The last admitted bored already in the idea of her waiting back to the room angry and ready for a fight._

_Dean’s dull responses led Sam to believe he didn’t care for Rose’s threat of running away back that evening even if he didn’t say anything watching him going away tired and unwilling to continue this conversation._

_The place felt quiet only his steps echoing on the long corridor as he thought of what happened. It was his fault to have both of them with him in this haunting when was aware of each other feeling. He opened the first button of his shirt pissed from the way they acted. Childish and jealous._

_They were jealous and scared of losing his love. Yeah, childish, he whispered to himself. Was it possible for him not to love them? His brother and then his baby girl??_

_The girl was feeling better now after the long shower working as destruction when she was upset.  Her eyes feel accidentally on the big mirror opposite of her, relieving every part of her naked body behind the steam and droplets of water._

_“ **YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL !!!”**_

**_“NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU!”_ **

**_“YOU ARE JUST A FAT COW WHO HAS NO INTEREST OF LIFE. DO YOU REALLY THINK SOMEONE WILL FELL FOR YOU??? PATHETIC!”_ **

**_ UGLY! UGLY! UGLY! _ **

**__ **

_The voices in her head caused pain in her heart as she stayed there observing the naked figure in the mirror. She had fat everywhere, cellulite, stretch marks which covered half of her body due to her eating disorder… marks spreading all over her body._

_No one had the desire to see her naked as her previous boyfriend – if she could him that – told her at the beginning of their sexual intercourse leaving her stunned from his comment. Needless to say , she had walked away in seconds with tears in eyes that night spiraling again to food… eating over and over again until her stomach couldn’t take it anymore, leaving her with stomach pain and nausea._

_Rose touched the thickness between her thumb and forefinger remembering the guilts she had felt. Disgust spread in her body and before she was able to control her body, her fist broke upon the large mirror sending glasses everywhere._

_Heavy footsteps echoed from the hallway, alarming her of Dean probably coming inside. Panic paint her eyes looking the blood on her hand and the broken mirror. She had to fix it quickly!_

_“Dean!” Sam stopped him before entering his room. “I am sorry.” He whispered regretted._

_“Can you say now the truth? Of what happened back there?”_

_“If I say it, then you will hate me.”_

_“We are passed this thing, Sammy.” Dean gave him a reassuring smile._

_“Well.. I made some comments about her appearance. It was mostly a joke but I.. I suppose she didn’t take it like that.” Sam felt regret from his actions. It was clear by now._

_Dean touched the doorknob slowly. “ Goodnight Sam. We talk about this tomorrow.” His stomach turned inside his body ready to see her fragile body and red from the tears eyes. He was so sure of a potential breakdown like the ones she had when she first met her. At the beginning everything was normal but as the days passed he noticed how much time she took in the bathroom after their meals. His first thought was that something had irritated her stomach and that’s why she was hiding for an hour inside there but when that became a pattern, seeing her with his own eyes , calculating every bite, watching the discomfort as she was trying to eat despite the waves of nausea … well , then he understood._

_He opened the door holding his breath instinctively. Rose was asleep in the bed peacefully. He let his breath out wiping the cold sweat from his face. Perhaps she was fine. It could happen, couldn’t it?_

_Rose stay there, eyes fully closed, heart pounding in her ears from the anxiety and fear of Dean seeing the broken mirror. She heard him taking off his clothes and soon the bed creaked under the extra weight. Her body stiffened under the blankets curling more into a ball._

_That was the first night he said the three words every woman wanted to hear from her boyfriend or husband. “I love you.” He whispered tenderly to her ear before kissing her pale lips ever so slowly._

 

NOW

That night he couldn’t sleep. Instead, his eyes were staring into the thick blackness of the room, Rose asleep next to him, her soft breathing the only able to draw him away from the pit of his dark mind… a corner at which he could hear Michael’s screaming over and over, every second of the day as much he was trying to act cool and brave.

His bite his lower lips holding with enough effort a single tear threating his vision from the nowhere.

What if he runs away from them?

What if he kills himself at some point even if it had, as a result, the end of the world?

Would be a coward? A fucking piece of shit for thinking at real letting Michael out ?

The girl turned her body towards him and soon her small hands were upon his torso, hugging him gently. Dean’s heart broke into pieces wondering if it was a good idea to let her see inside him. Would be scared? Petrified? Or not man enough for her?

Ugh, he sighed angrily. The last thing to happen was for Rose to learn his deathly plans and then inform his brother about that. A mess.

Dean took her closer on him, her face now lying on his heart murmuring “Will you ever forgive me?”


End file.
